Realizing a Lyric's Meaning
[Mood: Thoughtful ]
[Music: +44 - 155]

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I've had a revelation. I understand now what happened in my relationship. When we were first going out, we were both very magical. Not just any magical, but "magickal." In my transgretion to christianity, I lost that magick, I was no longer this mysterious and unknown person. The light of God shown upon me and gave me a different kind of magic, a holy magic. That is the differance in me that I didn't know. That was the unseen change in our relationship. Maybe that's why I feel a very different vibe in my future, romanticlly. Maybe I'll find someone that has no tie or intrest to that story, and in a way, that's sort of what I'm hopeing for.

06/07/08

Ode to Friendship: the Epode; Crescendo of the New
[Mood: Complacent]
[Music: Coldplay - Viva la Vida]

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So a lot has happened, and thus this will be parted into two entries, only under one post.

Ode to Friendship: the Epode

The friendship I feared to to end has ended. In a rather odd and maybe unfair way. However, I was kind of expecting it to happen. I knew she wouldn't hold onto that friendship for long. Although she said she was over me and her feelings for me, I was all but certain that she still had them, and that one day it would affect her. It was an interesting song, our Ode to Friendship, with very different notes and odd turns in the staves. But a beautiful song, nonetheless. But the funny thing about most songs is that in preaching a world that could be imaginary, we sometimes loose ourselves within it's comforting cushion of music, laced with fantasies of a world not our own. To that note, when the song ended, I became aware of my reality. To that end, I began to write the song in which the crescendo has begun...


Crescendo of the New

At the call of my awakening, I became someone whom I hadn't seen on a very long time: myself. It had been so long, I didn't recognize it, partly, also, because it would never be the same. For this much, I am glad. I don't like who I was, but who I am now I like more than who I was during the Ode to Friendship. I have started to repair some of the friendships I broke on my journeys, but the trick to that is that repair needs to be done on both ends. But it's a new begining, a time in which I can write my song of life. There will always be a begining and an end, but there will also always be a new song to write.

   -The Angel of Music

-06/06/08

An Unfamiliar Chorus
[Mood: Confused...]

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Again I feel odd and like I'm moving in multiple directions. I feel like I'm looseing my friend, and yet I don't think I am... I believe I'm working hard at work and yet I don't think I ought to... I want to meet someone, possibly romanticlly, and yet I don't think I'm ready...

I guess I'm just tired of the same things happening to me in my life, and yet I'm affected by them. You'd think I would be over it or something. I guess not. I'm trying, really really trying, and yet it doesn't seem to get my any further than a mask I can put on for everyone to see. Granted that it's the least I ask for, I would still like to feel okay inside once again. Though I can still remember when the last moment was, it was still a long time ago.

It was my conversion, no, acception into christianity. At first it was just a movement, but not too long after, peace was brought to my life. I experianced peace for the first time in my semi adult life. However, the counter balance of peace is always near in it's presence. Let us hope this uncertainty, this war within, will resolve soon and grant me another gifted moment of peace and stillness...

5/7/2008

[Mood: Frustrated!]

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GRRRRRRRR!!!! I wrote a huge post and poured everything into it and stupid library server deleted it as soon as I clicked Save!!!!

Oh well, I guess it's for the best...I mean, it had some things I prolly wanted to keep under password and a few that I wanted to say more on but couldn't because I never know who might be reading...>.> <.< >.> Till next time then.

   -Angel of Music

4/28/2008

Sheet Music: Rough Draft
[Mood: Hopeful]
[Music: Sara Bareilles - Love Song]

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Another new day and possibly a freash start. I've got a couple of places to go to for applications and hopefully they might be fruitfull. I need money, and soon. I'm running out of ideas and sources of money, and the last thing I need to rely on is me credit card. Actually, it's not even the last. o.O Anyways, lets hope I get this other job. If I do I can stop updateing on a public computer. X3

This will be the rough draft of my current life, and all I can do is perfect it and make it better. ^ ^ Again, no novel, nothing significantly bad is happening, and we will have to wait to see if something significantly good happens. Wish me luck, viewers! (That's, like, one? Two?)

4/24/2008

The Bird's Song Heralds a New Day
[Mood: Complacent]
[Music: Breaking Benjamin - Until the End]

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As the title says, it's a new day, and it's not good, but more importantly it's not bad. So far the day is alright, I'm feeling better, more creative, too. I'm really working on getting my pictures up here, maybe to a spoof on diviant art. Hopefully the day will provide that I can.

...In other words I need that stupid tax return so I can build my lap top. >.> No novel today, seeing as it's still early. I'll post if anything new happens.

4/22/2008

A Similar Symphony
[Mood: Lonely]

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So I was thinking that since the older posts were from another site and old enough to not tell what is up with me now, I thought I'd update.

Wrong.

Things aren't as good as I'd hoped...For instance, my financial situation. I need a new job, and yet it's the hardest thing to find right now. I've been everywhere I could look and offered minimum wage and yet I still see nothing...

Another thing is my situation with my ex. It seems it has become the story of my life that she would go somewhere fun and someone would be against me going along, though I'm invited. She went to the beach yesterday and invited me with an uncertainty to her voice. Knowing she was going with the people from her telecomunications class I had a feeling she was considering whether she should invite me or not. Due to the fact that I'm "the ex" we both feel everyone there feels a little awkward with me there... So I asked her if she wanted me to go and she told me one side said she wanted to share this with her friend, me, and just have fun. The other side said no because I might make everyone feel awkward and not much fun would be had...

So I sighed and told her to just go without me. She deserved that break, they all did. I hadn't even seen half of what they did and they still amazed me.

So after I dropped her off at the meeting point, I drove home. I felt so lonely, but not because of that day alone. I realized that that's how it always was. Whenever I wanted to see or spend time with my friend, I couldn't...and it hurt to be that alone. I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to sit at home and wonder how much fun I could be having had I been selfish and gone anyways...it would be nice to be able to feel free of that.

It also didn't help much to hear her saying that we should separate and that I'd eventually forget her. How can someone who claims to love you say such a thing? First off I'd be alone if that would happen. I would ONLY think of her. Second if I hadn't forgotten people that were my friends before, friends that didn't matter half as much as she does, how could I forget her? It really makes no sence...

You know, I was going to try and cheer up this page, but now I remember why I have an online journal. I need something to write the good AND the bad. Not my fault being single has more bad than good.

4/21/2008

The Last Note Struck...
[Mood: Numb]

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And so the inevitable happened, what we both were dreading...

The nutshell version: I am single one more...we've broken up...

Full version: We had a talk over the past issues we've had. The other guy thing, the fact I'm held at arm's length as a friend, the fact we don't seem to show any form of affection, etc.

We talked, I let everything out, I told her that she brought me back to a diffrent time, seemingly a life time ago. She brought me back to a time with another girl, a friend this time, whom I'd loved and cared about, given the same happenings: I wished only to hold her, to be with her, to have her return those feelings. She said she did, however I was pushed away and constantly hurt. I knew heartbreak well enough to never imagine a life without it, I knew it so well that I became accustomed to it. I saw how she treated me, not seeming to care how I was there for every blow, every hit she threw at me. So I dropped her friendship, four year's worth.

So now I find myself in a similar situation, only we were going out and I love her more than I could possibly love the other. However, she did treat me very well, cared for me and I her, loved me and I her, something changed along the way for reasons too long to express. And I again find myself in a niglected relationship, one in which I find isn't fair to me, no matter what I've done.

So she told me that she had thought about our situation and considered it better for us to end it, just so we don't do anymore damage. I guess the only good that came this is that the worst thing didn't happen, I havn't lost her forever, just as my girlfriend.

Let's just hope that I can fufill her wishes as her friend, seeing as I've failed as her boyfriend...

Until next time...

   -The Angel of Music

12/10/2007

The Worst Moment Ever is When the Most Beautiful Song Ends...
[Mood: Discontent]

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I had a pretty bad day yesterday...however something good did come out of it.

First, I was absent again in a class that I really need to pay attention in, seeing as it's gettng real hard, and now I'm actually try to show up but to no avail.

Then later my girlfriend texts me saying she's outside of the library (where I get my internet connection) and asks if I wanted to spend some time with her. I said sure, already getting ready to leave and grab a bite to eat. When I go down to see her I noticed she had a cup from a resturant we go to for our monthly celebrations of being together. Nothing fancy, but still. I asked her about it and she said it was from her going with this guy she's trying to befriend. We've already had long talks and fights and tears over this, so I already know what it was, and I also already knew they were planning to eat somewhere, I just didn't think it was at a place special to us... But maybe I'm just hanging onto memories...

She was talking to me about this guy, someone who I already didn't like, but endured it because the only thing I want more than us to stay together is to make her happy. It seems this guy is making her happier than I could hope to achieve. So I listened to her talk, the ever-present thought of what could really make her happy becomeing more and more possible: that it may not even include me at all... But I'll endure it if it means her happiness.

So we were talking, tring to plan out what we were going to do later seeing as we didn't know if she was working or not and I offered to take her there and maybe back if she couldn't find a ride(I'm really low on gas and money). We find out that she wasn't going to work and so I offer to take her home since no one else could and I was right there, though I really wanted to just be alone so as to not hinder her day. It's been a long time since she's had a day she could honestly recall as a happy one, and I have no right nor desire to take that away from her.

So we go to her place, I got to spend some time with her(that being the good that came out of it), I offered to build her computer desk for her, an easy job. She wanted to help but I wouldn't let her. XD We watched TV, then I left. She tried to console me, but that's not what I wanted. I just wanted her to smile like she was smileing when she was telling me about that guy...

And to end the day beautifully, when I got home, there was a letter from CarMax(car sales that I applied for recently). I was really banking on that job, but I guess that was my own fault. I know better than that. I read the letter and, even through my high hopes that it was probably nothing to worry about, they declined my application...and two interviews.

So that was my day, hopefully it will be better today...

11/29/2007

A Suicidal Note
[Mood: Pissed Off]

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So I noticed that in most discussions in the world involve one of two things(depending on who you talk to): Sex, which I understand, most people follow primal urges, I get it. The other is death and suicide. I have one hell of a rant for that...

It seems you people who are in love with the idea of suicide are quite blind to just about everything around you. There isn't much that will annoy me, but this is one that will piss me off beyond any limit. First off, if you are merely THREATENING to kill yourself, you are a pathetic attention craver.

I think RUFiO says it best when in one of their songs(Lyrics not in this order): "Think of your friends, think of family, think of all your memories. If you really did want to end your life, you'd be gone by now, so take your pill and stop whining."

So if you're gonna make the threat, shut up and find a better hobbie.

Second, if a person actually DOES commit suicide, they just entered my book of disgrace. Killing yourself is the most selfish thing I can think of. Life is so hard? Really? Do you have a roof over you? Do you have food, even if minimal? Do you have water, even if sparing? Then trust me, you have it WAY better than a LOT of people out there. And you know those people without all that stuff? THEY WANT TO LIVE!

Also if you really think that no one loves you and that no one would care, I'd be happy to help you realize how many people really DO love you. Even one counts, if anything it is worse than two or more.

Say you really only have one person who loves you, a parent, sibling, friend, spouce, whatever and you went and killed youself. You just deeply hurt the one person that loved you, you just caused a pain worse than any other, and what did they do to you? All this person did was love you.

So wake up people, appreciate what you have and stop longing for what you don't, you'll live longer.

11/14/2007